I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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