Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
