he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
