You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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