First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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