a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
