Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
