Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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