I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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