I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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