After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Who died my cat blue again?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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