I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
