Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
