the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
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I want to fling myself into the sun
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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