spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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