We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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