my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
