I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
high people should be assigned attendants
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Randomize
