If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
