I bet he comes in French.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
