I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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