You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Of course I have a pirate flag
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
