he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
