but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
