1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
