I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
