rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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