Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
