Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
