Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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