I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
