I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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