My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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