Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
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You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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