I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
