Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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