I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My hand turned me down
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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