I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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