I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
