My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Shame is for Republicans.
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