You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
