someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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