We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
BRING THE BAGELS
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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