I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
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The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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