I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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