I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
