Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
