I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The best revenge is premature balding
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
