Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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