suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
