I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
