How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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