new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
