I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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