he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
