I wish I could teleport
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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