The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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