The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
