he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
